It’s amazing how one little text message bright and early in the morning can make someone so happy. I know this is a fact because my friends feel the same way.
Such a small gesture, such a simple thing. Just to let someone know that you woke up and thought of them. It can be from your children, friends, lover, spouse, anyone really. Just a simple “Good morning”, “Have a Great Day”, “Thinking of You” or my absolute favorite is “Good morning Beautiful. I Miss You”.
Ahh, one little text message brightens my day. Give it a try and you’ll see how you’ll be able to put a smile on someone’s face this morning!
Unfortunately my family has a long list of illness. My parents were born in Puerto Rico and let’s face it..there is nothing healthy about the food in a Puerto Rican Family. Almost everything is white carbs and a lot of deep fried food.
I come from a long line of heart disease, cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetis, strokes, renal failure , etcetera. My dad..well he’s got it all.
So, I sit here by my fathers hospital bed thinking “why did his generation not see this pattern and do something about their life style?”. Sometimes I feel anger, resentment, sadness, frustration and then some days all of the above and more.
I’ve known from a young age that I want to be able to enjoy a healthy, happy life and never be a burden to my children because of bad choices I’ve made In my life.
I love my father dearly and I will always be here for him and my mom. I just wish they were able to enjoy their golden years. Instead I sit here in the dark, listening to his moans of pain, waiting to see if he will be strong enough to survive another amputation tomorrow.
I’m determined to break this unhealthy life style in myself and for my children. We can keep our heritage and lead happy HEALTHY lives.
Things change after a year and a half of dating. I remember all the late night chats. All the cute little text just to say hi. The times he wanted me to call just to hear my voice.
I know he still cares but all those first courtship excitement fades. Why? Do guys lose interest? Are they bored? Have they found interest with someone else?
Why do women do this to ourselves? Over think everything, question the feeling or intentions of our significant other.
So I try to control myself and talk myself from not texting or calling him. Even though it’s the hardest thing not to do. Why? Ridiculous really!! So here I will struggle to keep myself busy and practice some self control.
How long will it take for him to think of me? Or how long will it take fore me to break down and contact him first? Why do things have to change?
All we want as parents is to know that we are raising our children to the best of our ability. To know that they love us and appreciate us. So when I read the hand written note below from my 24 year old son, I did what I think most mom’s would do. I cried my little eyes out and thought “What a lucky Mother I am!!!”.
“Thank you for the never ending love and support you’ve given me throughout my life. Most of all, thank you for the smiles and the laughter. Whenever life gets tough you push through like no other..that is inspiring. You motivate me to be a better me and your honesty helps to keep me focused. It truly is the little things that i’m starting to hold and the things that were never really important that i’m starting to let go. You are my balance, you show me the meaning of love, you’ve shown me how to fight and overcome adversity, you’ve taught me to yearn for more in life and reach for the stars. I can’t think of one thing that i’m not thankful for when I see your face. I appreciate everything you do for me and Jayson. You’ll always be my Valentine. Thank you!! I Love You Mom!”
I just recently got back from a wonderful girls weekend getaway. Everyone say’s you should always feel refreshed and like a new person after a trip like that. Unfortunately, I don’t have that after vacation adrenaline rush. Not sure why. Maybe a combination of having to go back to work, dad in the hospital, stupid valentines day being tomorrow, etc. So i’m thinking this girl needs to book a weekend getaway to the beach all by herself one day and maybe my boys over the next day. We’ll see. I need something to fill my heart and soul with happiness on a regular basis. I don’t want to be that person who can only be happy when she’s on an adrenaline rush.
Trying to find myself after my boys are now young men and my divorce has been difficult for me. I’m definitely much happier and not crying everyday in a miserable marriage but I do miss my boys being little. If I can give parents one advice it would be to continue to do things for YOURSELF. Go out with friends or do those activities that YOU enjoy. Don’t make the “kids your entire world” because you always have to keep a part of yourself. If not you’ll be totally lost like me and so many other mom and dad’s.
How is it that I can be on such a wonderful glowing high one minute and come down to a halting crash the next? All it took was a simple sentence like “I have to tell you about some recent changes with me and Wife” for my heart to stop and for me to sit upright in that front car seat. He wasn’t telling me that she wanted him to stop seeing me and he wasn’t telling me that he wasn’t happy anymore. So I’m good right? Nope, of course not because I will try to make this conversation some how about ME. Even though it has nothing to do with ME. Maybe that is my issue? That any life choices he makes with his “Wife” will never have to do with ME. Any important life decisions will never include ME. So in my mind that makes me Disposable, even though he tries to reassure me that he cares about me and I’m far from disposable.
So anyway, Wife was very unhappy with her work life and feels unfulfilled. I’ve heard this conversation over and over since I’ve met my married man a year and a half ago. So after lunch he tells me that Wife is not working as of Monday and is now just focussed on her education. You ask, Ok how does this affect you? Other than my Married Man not being able to afford to do things with me I’m not sure. I do know it makes me see it as my Married Man loving his wife SO MUCH that he wants to make her happy and help her through this rough patch in her life. I should feel happy that the man that I love is so caring right? Nope, makes me realize how much he loves this woman and how he wishes things were different with her. I even say something to that fact and that I need to back the FUCK away. (Yes, not very lady like but its how I felt) Were in turn I see the frustration in his eyes. He knows I see this as him wanting to be intimate with his Wife. He swears up and down that he only see’s her as a friend he cares about and the mother to his children. I crudely tell him he only wants to be able to have his cake and eat it too but that if he wants to be happy with his wife this is not going to work. I want to say so much more about “How about me? Where do I fit in your world? etc” but somehow the conversation came up on how he is going to keep his life with Wife and Mine separated. Why does this somehow puts a knife in my heart? Not because I can’t be friends with wife but that whatever choices they make together will never include Me. I will be disposable when she decides to get that job in St. Pete or Tampa. I will be disposable when he decides it’s time for him to expand his career and move away with his family (which I’m no part of), I will be disposable at any given point of his life necessary because his family (Wife) will always be his primary responsibility. I know that, I see that but he doesn’t seem to get it or as another reader commented once. “Wife knows the cake, likes the cake but doesn’t want cake to make any crumbs on her floor. Cake can be nice and pretty but never make a mess of her place. Married Man will play Wife’s game because he gets to have his cake and eat it too. Until he gets tired of cake and decides he wants to go on a diet. No commitment so no worries. “Disposable”. Sigh….I want to believe in my heart of heart that this is not true.
When I write its normally through my heart aches trying to sort out my feelings. So I fail to talk about how wonderful this man treats me. Not materialistic but that he is one of my best friends. Its not all about the sex with us. Sex is great but not everything with our relationship. Something i’ve never had with another man. Something amazing. Maybe that’s what i’m scared of. That i’ll never find this with someone else. Maybe he was the one but belongs to someone else. Maybe when wife finds herself, get that great paying career, gets all slim and sexy again and becomes that woman he fell in love with years ago that I will be Disposable. I’m nothing but his mid life crisis, fling, pass time, Disposable. So, do I run from the fear of not ever being good enough for this or any man? Or do I take a chance in Love and see what happens? I say the later but I so many times just want to RUN!
Well I’m off to my Girls Getaway Weekend Cruise. This will be my first adult vacation with no children or spouse. So here’s a toast to new beginnings and new adventures. I continue to try to live life to the fullest and make the most of what this wonderful world has to offer me.
Easy for people to forget all the wonderful things in our lives. So I will keep an open heart and open mind and see what the world has in stored for me this weekend.
I am a single woman in a monogamous relationship with a Married Man. Does that make me Poly since I know he’s married and that he loves his wife? Is he in a Poly or Open relationship with The Wife or maybe he just always has a Free Pass? How about if none of these apply? Should I be worried about labeling an already difficult relationship? I just feel so lost in emotions sometimes that maybe a label would let me connect with others having the same feelings and issues.
I’ve been dating a married man with 2 children for close to a year and a half now. I thought this new year was going to bring me more clarity but what it has actually done is brought me more intense feelings of “Not being good enough”. I self label myself as “Damaged Goods” after two failed marriages and having this relationship with a married man. When I first met him he told me he was in an open marriage, which in turn I would respond “No you are not”. I believe that if someone is in an open marriage that means that the other person knows that you are out dating other people but I guess she really did know since he was out every Friday night with me. Their rule was that they can see other people but the other did not want to know about it. So then the relationship went from Open to The Wife wanting to know who he was dating and wanting to meet me. Does this in turn make it a Polyamorous relationship? No, not in this case. The wife invited me over to dinner one night for our first meeting which was the most difficult, awkward thing i’ve ever done in my life. She was very nice and i’m sure it was awkward for all of us but she opened her home to me. We got together 2x by ourselves and tried to connect and they had me over to their home for a few game nights where I met some of their mutual friends. Unfortunately things were getting sour when she started doing little things to make her stance on where I belong in this relationship clear to me. At first My Married Man didn’t see it as clearly as I did but then after I pointed it out he did start seeing the small signals. So it ended with me deciding that I no longer wanted to spend awkward moments with The Wife and I would no longer offer to babysit the kids. (Whole other story)
This year will be spent trying to focus on myself and loving myself. So many years of putting my family first, I’m not sure who I am anymore. I’m blessed in so many ways and i’m not sure why I feel so empty at times. Maybe after some soul searching this relationship I have with My Married Man will make sense to me or maybe I will just make peace with what the relationship is and stop trying to put a label on it. I know he loves me, he tells me he loves me, most importantly he shows me he loves me over and over again. Will he ever leave his family for me? No, he made that clear from the start so I knew where I stood when I started this relationship. Do I wish I was the one going on vacation with him and the girls, do I wish I was the one celebrating holidays with the man I love and his family, do I wish that me and The Wife hit it off and that everyone felt loved and secure and lived as one big happy family? Yes to all, but the reality is that the poly lifestyle didn’t work for us and that the perfect picture will never be. So i’ll keep loving him as i’ve always done and allowing him to love me and be with me the best he can and see where this crazy love leads us. There are people in this world who never find love in their lives. I’ve been blessed to have many people that I love and have loved me in my lifetime. Maybe not forever but it is more than some people have experienced and worth it even though it hurts like hell sometimes.